5 Questions With… Wilton’s Heart of Gold, Marie Demasi

Whether it’s a Wilton Singers rehearsal or a Wilton Library event, or the many, many years she spent tasked with the pleasure of volunteering for Wilton Children’s Theatre, Marie Demasi wins the Wilton heart of gold. From her work with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) to her more recent role as a certified grief counselor, there’s nothing this funny girl can’t do without a smile on her face and a song in her heart, (the LaLaLas “There She Goes” comes to mind). Lesley Kirschner caught up with this mom of three for why life is messy, what it means to fill your cup and why you should always hold the door for a stranger.

1. From Working at the Wilton Library to volunteering for Wilton Children’s Theater, you’re kind of a household name around here. How did you come to be a Wilton Girl? 

Marie Demasi: I loved the town before I lived here but I’m a New Yorker at heart. I’m not from Connecticut. I’m a Long Island girl through and through. I moved to Norwalk in 2010 (literally two weeks before the biggest snowstorm). I had always come to things in Wilton Town Center. We always did the Pumpkin Parade and I have so many memories of the library, so many pictures of my kids sitting on the hippo. I just loved being involved in the community and I found myself in Wilton all the time. It just worked.

2. Do you have regrets in your life?

Demasi: I have a ton but my biggest regrets are things that I didn’t do because I was scared to. I always say, “do it scared, but do it anyway” because of the amount of times I’ve self sabotaged and was too afraid to do something.

I’m terrified of flying. It’s definitely gotten worse over the years. My last plane ride was just before the Covid shutdown. I was sick with what was probably Covid but I didn’t know it at the time. It was a short flight from Atlanta so it should have been in and out, super quick. Kobe Bryant’s helicopter had just gone down and it got in my head.

I got on the plane and I was so hot. I was getting a fever and I needed to get up. The flight attendants were like, “you can’t get up” and I was like, “I need to get off [this plane].” And they were like, “Well, you can’t.” So they sat me next to the marshal but I just wanted to land. I was so overwhelmed. It was the worst anxiety attack. But the steward gave me a huge hug, gave me Sprite, put Dave Matthews in my ear and was like, “It’s gonna be okay. You can’t control it. It’s an anxiety attack. We’re gonna get through this. We’re gonna land and it’s gonna be over.” The most amazing flight attendant I’ve ever met in my entire life… people like that I think about all the time.

My kids are definitely the reason why I do more things that scare me because they’re not afraid. I’m so grateful for them.

3. I know suicide prevention is a noble cause that’s dear to your heart. Can you tell me a little more about the work that you’ve done with that?

Demasi: My brother Steven died by suicide in 1991 and Evelyn, my youngest, was born in 2013 on the anniversary of my brother’s death — February 19. She had to be in the NICU for a little while and I had postpartum really bad. I was scared to leave the house, scared something was gonna happen — it was brutal.

When we were getting her baptized, we were looking at favors [for the guests]. I didn’t want to buy something stupid and I was looking for a cause [to donate to instead] like suicide prevention but I didn’t know where to start. So my cousin found this overnight 18-mile walk in New York City, and he was like “you should just go do that.” And I was like, “Excuse me — you want me to walk 18 miles overnight? I’m not doing it.”

But he told me about AFSP and I looked into it and instead of giving favors, we gave back to the AFSP. In 2013, I started volunteering with the New York AFSP Chapter and then in 2016 the overnight was going to be in New York. It’s always a different city and I was like, “I’m going to do this overnight walk.”

You have to raise $1,000 minimum to even participate and I couldn’t find anybody that wanted to do it with me. My cousin did end up walking with me, and my dear friend, Erin, who now runs the whole walk, was my coach. I called her as I was standing on the [train station] platform and I was like, “I’m not gonna show up. I can’t do this.” And she was like, “Just get on the train. I will hug you when you get here.” And I got on.

She got me involved with the Connecticut Chapter. I chaired the Fairfield County Walk and after that they brought me on the board. I did anything they needed — volunteer recruitment, advocacy, education, and now I’m board chair. The foundation is so important to me and I can’t imagine not being involved with it. I’ve now done 10 walks and I’m just about to go to Chicago so I either have to get on a plane or a train or drive… I’ll figure it out.

Editor’s note: Visit Demasi’s donation page to support her participation in this year’s overnight walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

I’m also the Healing Conversations coordinator for the state, which is where my grief work fits in. I got my Grief Education Certificate back in 2023 and then I started coursework to be a Grief Coach because I found that’s where most of my healing is — understanding loss, trying to help others. Healing Conversations with AFSP is a one time phone call for anyone that’s experienced loss by suicide. It could be a day after or years later — whenever they want the phone call. It’s to witness their grief and where they’re at, to hear about their loved one. That part, I don’t want to say I enjoy it, because that’s weird to say — but I find it the most healing, because… I wish at 9 years old, my family had [the resources and support] we have now. I love the connections I made with my AFSP family. I can’t imagine my life without them.

4. You’ve also volunteered in many other capacities over the years. Why is community important, especially here in a town like Wilton?

Demasi: I grew up in Bellmore, Long Island and I loved that I could always find my mom. She was so involved in the community. So although I lost my biological mom, her sister adopted me and raised me so that’s the only mom I’ve ever known. She doesn’t realize how strong she is, and now I have this conversation with her every day. Her and my dad  were together for 68 years and they are just like the power couple in every way. They showed me what love should be and how you should be loved.

Anyway, I could always find her in the community. She was my [Girl Scouts] cookie mom. She was my room mom. She worked in the library at my school. I don’t know if she was on the PTA and stuff but she was always around. She was involved. She took me to dance, to the theater — she showed up. They were always just there so I think I learned to be involved. Showing up is so important to me. I’m starting to really take a look at what really fills my cup and what I enjoy doing and want to be there for. For example, I can volunteer at an event as opposed to being in charge of it. I work at the Wilton Library and my kids always know where to find me. Sometimes people ask why I don’t want to go teach in New York (where I’m certified) and it’s because my home is here.

I want to be where my kids are; and I realized — that’s how my dad was, and how mom was. My dad worked and traveled a ton but he still showed up. He drove me to school every morning. Then we commuted to work together because I worked for him. I miss him an unbelievable amount. 

5. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Are there moments in your life you’ve had to maybe take a leap of faith and know it would all turn out okay?

Demasi: I don’t know that I’m a hundred percent everything happens for a reason but I do believe that every person you meet has a reason. It could be a random thing. Someone held the door for me and I was a mess, in my own head, looked like a slob and it totally transformed my whole day. That person did this nice gesture and happened to be coming in as I was leaving… I love interactions like that.

I do think there’s a reason for every connection. My dad had this story about his life changing over a cup of coffee. He was working for a corporation and a guy kept asking him to coffee and wanted him to transition over to his company, (which ended up being the company [my dad] owned and ran for the majority of my life). He always said, if he didn’t go get that cup of coffee that wouldn’t have happened. So when you get asked for a cup of coffee, you go because you don’t know what it’s gonna be and where it could end up.

There are risks or leaps I’ve taken, like auditioning for the Wilton Singers for the third or fourth time this summer… but I finally got in. That was a big leap, because I didn’t get in the first three times. And my dad was like — so try out again. So I tried out [again] and it worked. I don’t know how, but it did. And I love it. And I love getting back into theater. I did three plays over the last year.

I saw you in “Grease” at the Wilton Playhouse…

Demasi: Yeah and then I did Guys and Dolls up in Shelton. It got me through last winter. It was so rough, I don’t know why… the fact that I had some place to go that I enjoyed maybe. That’s how I feel about Wilton Singers. I signed up for my audition the week before my dad passed. [After he passed], I forgot that I signed up for the audition and I was like “Well, I signed up so I gotta show up.” [Rehearsals are] once a week — Tuesday nights are “my time” where I just go and I sing. 

Are you a soprano?

Demasi: I am a soprano, but in the Wilton Singers they made me an alto which makes my brain have to really think and sometimes I forget, and shift over to the other side.

How big of a group is that? 

Demasi: It’s big. It used to be all people from Wilton but I think they’ve expanded it now. The history there is so deep. There’s so many people who started as madrigals at the high school and now are in Wilton Singers with their kids. Then they have social time after we finish singing… I found a little more community.

Bonus question… if you could switch lives with anyone for a day, who would it be?

Demasi: I’d almost want to be one of my kids. I don’t know which one I would pick. It’s so fun to watch them because they’re all so different. I don’t remember who said it to me but it’s like your heart walking around outside of your body — when you let them go, when you say goodbye to them every day. Lily looks like my brother, Steven, which is wild and she has his facial expressions too. And then Evelyn has his quick wit, his artistic ability; and Vito likes a lot of the same things that Steven liked. I sometimes sit back and forget that they’re my own. Even if they weren’t, I’d want to hang out with them. They shock me with how brave they are. I wish I was like that when I was their age and their lives are so much harder and so different than when we were growing up; and they’re navigating all these things. I sometimes say to them, “Wow, I love how you did that.” I want to say, “I learn so much from you.”