Wilton’s Dirty, Not-So-Secret Secret: Parents and Teen Drinking

Just last month, many Wilton teens attended The County Assembly Charity Ball (the “Counties” as it’s familiarly known), the yearly, multi-town dance for high school juniors from Wilton and surrounding Fairfield County towns (Westport, Fairfield and Weston). Traditionally, it’s set up for girls to ask dates to the dance. High school seniors have their corresponding Red and White Charity Ball, which, this year, was held the night before Counties. Both dances were at the Stamford Marriott.

As advertised, organizers have breathalizers at the dance, and alcohol and drugs are forbidden. The kids are breathalized and every bag, purse and jacket is checked for contraband. As Wilton dad Jason Witty, whose daughter*  attended Counties, put it, “There’s every length gone to at the function. The after-party, however, was a different story.”

Witty contacted GOOD Morning Wilton to talk about the dirty not-so-hidden secret about high school parties in town–parties where not only do kids drink, but they do so with alcohol supplied by the teens’ parents. Witty reached out not to ‘tattle,’ per se, but more to open the dialogue. “It’s swept under the rug and not talked about. It’s got to be a discussion we have, it’s a key topic, especially for the kids.”

According to Witty, he heard via the grapevine that at the vast majority of parties following the dances, there was alcohol present.

“Look, it’s a given, the kids are going to drink. That’s just part of high school life.”

But it was finding out that a Counties after-party his daughter attended was stocked with alcohol supplied by the parents of his daughter’s classmate that made him upset.

What happened at the party in question

Here’s how Witty recalled the events of the evening:

“I chaperoned the dance and a bus of about 30 kids who were going to the dance and then to the after-party. At the pre-party where they were taking pictures, another parent said to me, ‘We learned about an hour ago there was going to be a good amount of alcohol at the after party, and it was provided by the [host] parent. Did you know?’ This would be the first time for [my daughter] to go to a party where there was alcohol present. I said, ‘You know, she’s a junior in high school, and I can’t keep her completely sheltered–nor do I think that [sheltering] is completely healthy. She’s got to be exposed to situations where she’s got to make a decision.’ I’ve also always said to her, ‘If you’re ever in a situation where you are uncomfortable, I’ll come get you, no questions asked.’

“On the bus to the after party, I said to all the kids, ‘This is where kids are going to have a “good time.” Put my number in your cell phone, if you ever need to get someplace safely, call me, I’ll get you home, no questions asked.’ And I left it at that. At 12:30 a.m. I got the call to come pick them up. And it was clear from the moment they walked in the door that there was just plenty of alcohol for them. They looked for other things to drink–soda, water–there wasn’t anything to drink but alcohol. They heard the [host girl] had gone to the liquor store, with her mother, they got beer and Mike’s Hard Lemonade and such, and they got uncomfortable, and they left.”

GMW:  It sounds as if you found out before the party that there would be alcohol there. And you knew at that point the parents had provided it. And you still let your daughter go.

“Another parent had told me that, and I don’t believe it until I know it for a fact. It wasn’t until it was confirmed when my daughter and the other kids called me to get picked up, that yes, in fact not only was there alcohol and it was provided by the parent, that that was all there was to drink.”

What to think?

It wasn’t the teen drinking, Witty maintained, that had him upset.

“[My daughter] is going to college in a year in a half. I’m not unrealistic to think she’s not going to be getting the exposure to alcohol, or anything like that. Exposure to situations where she has to make a decision is important, and I’d rather her have to make it when she’s 10 minutes away, rather than four hours away when she’s in college. I’m fully cognizant of the fact that she’s going to be in situations where alcohol is present, it’s kind of the way of the world.”

It’s something that he and his wife, Kim, have spoken to their daughter about. But it’s a discussion that he says should be up to the the parent to decide when and if they have it.

“One of the big conversations a parent has with your teen is about alcohol–what’s responsible, when, the dangers of too much–and that timing is going to be different for each kid. Different kids have different thresholds of what they can handle and when. There could be a 16-year-old out there that’s savvy and gets it and can handle themselves, and there can be a 16-year-old out there that is very young and delicate emotionally, where exposure like that can do them a lot of harm. But only the parent knows that. For someone else’s parent to, off the cuff, give that kind of exposure to them is wrong. I would want parents to think twice before exposing any kid to any of those things. It’s a conversation that is up to the parents of that child.”

Taking away the choice of when to have that conversation is one thing. It’s another thing entirely, Witty says, to then serve alcohol to someone else’s child too.

“Some parents are more lenient, and let their own kids have a glass of wine at home. But there’s a major line crossed when a parent introduces alcohol to a group of kids, certainly kids who aren’t their own, without the knowledge of other parents,” Witty said. “When it’s provided by a parent, that crosses a line I think is unacceptable. It was provided by the parent, without any acknowledgement, without asking me if I’m okay with that. I’m not judging anyone for the boundaries they set with their own children; that’s entirely up to them and I’m no one to speak to that. You’ve got to make your own boundaries for your own kids. But when it comes to the boundaries for my kids, for offering it to them, that’s for nobody else’s judgement but for me and my wife’s.”

Witty contacted the parent host of the party his daughter attended. He sent her a message via Facebook, telling her, “I understand that there was alcohol at the party last night. I also understand that it was provided by you. I find that inexcusable. The boundaries you set with your own children are entirely up to you, but the boundaries that are set with my child or children of others should absolutely be left to those parents and no one else. My daughter will not be attending any other functions at your house in your future, and that if I hear of something like this again I will have no hesitation to call the police.”

What happens when the police do get involved

Witty didn’t call the police, this time. But if he had, and the police had found the party in progress, what could have happened?

There are penalties of course, for parents who are caught hosting a party where minors are being served alcohol. According to CT state law, any person who provides alcohol to anyone under 21 years old faces felony charges that carry a penalty of up to 18 months in prison and a $1,500 fine. When minors under 16 are provided alcohol—or are even in the house at a party where alcohol is present—then parents face Class C felony charges for Risk of Injury to a Minor Child, which carry a maximum penalty of ten years in jail.

Lt. Donald Wakeman of the Wilton Police Department warns, “In addition to criminal charges, you have the adults facing any civil liabilities, should there be something that occurs to a minor who is consuming alcohol on their property basically under their permission.”

Of course it’s more cut-and-dry for police to investigate and prosecute if they catch the parents in the middle of the party rather than after the fact.

“It’s always easier if we investigate it at the time that it’s occurring. If we can go to the residence, see the evidence and talk to the parties present at that moment, obviously that makes our investigation that much tighter. If the information comes to us after the fact, are we going to ignore it–no. We can still certainly follow-up on it, and obviously there are people we can still interview. We might have to conduct a number of interviews to try to gather enough information to see if, at that point, we can build a case to send down to the court and prosecute, to see if we can take any enforcement action.”

Prom season is just a couple months away, and graduation falls just after that–both are popular party times and it’s certainly something that’s on the police radar then, especially for School Resource Officer Richard Ross; he tries to be attuned to it year-round, Wakeman said.

“There are times when we hear it in advance, and we’re able to contact adults ahead of time, in the hopes that they understand and that they’ll avoid a potential problem. Unfortunately it’s not the first time we hear about it. Some adults feel it’s okay if they serve alcohol if everything is monitored. The bottom line is it’s illegal and it shouldn’t happen to begin with.”

He adds, parents who learn about a teen party with alcohol can always contact the WPD, “before, during or after. It’s always ideal if they give us the full information, but even if it’s anonymous, it’s still something we will look into. It makes it more difficult, but at least it’s brought forward and at least we’re advised of it.”

Another thing to think about:  parents who do get reported to police–the department keeps tabs. “Absolutely. Once those people are brought to our attention, no matter where we can go with the investigation, we have it documented and it’s a family we’re now aware of.”

There’s still a ‘stigma’

Witty came forward, some would say bravely, to attach his name to a topic that some would like to pretend doesn’t exist, that others will likely even criticize him for. No matter, it’s a topic that Witty felt was an important one to raise.

“If I could get one message out, to bring an awareness, it’s certainly not that we need to do everything we can to keep teens or high school aged kids from being exposed to alcohol, because one, I don’t think it’s realistic; and two, what can be harmful is for kids to come out of high school, be out on their own for the first time and go into a college scenario where clearly there’s a lot of alcohol and that be the first time for them to have to make a decision on what’s good judgement.”

He continued: “My biggest message is really to the parents that are considering providing alcohol to kids. If you want to share alcohol with your kids, I’m not judging. I’m not agreeing, but that’s not my point. But certainly, do not put someone else’s child in that situation with their parents’ knowledge or consent. If there are three parents who say, ‘I’m okay if my teenage kids drink, they’re a junior or senior in high school,’ and those three parents want to put that situation to them–again, I’m not agreeing with it, but I’m not judging it, they’re your kids. But if there’s a parent out there considering having a gathering with high school kids and providing alcohol to other kids that are not their own, that’s an absolute no.”

Peer pressure for parents seems to be just as powerful as it is for kids, at least when it comes to staying quiet on the topic. Witty did reach out to other similarly angered parents to see if anyone would talk to GMW on the record–or even anonymously. Unfortunately, no one wanted to speak out about it. Anecdotally, we’ve heard it happens, a lot.

Speaking of the peer pressure, what did Witty have to say about the likely possible reaction his daughter might face after an article with his name in it appeared, basically outing what had taken place? “I’m very transparent with her. I let her know that I reached out to the parent, and I spoke with [my wife] Kim about speaking to you, and I’ll share it with my daughter as well. I told her what I’m telling you–‘It’s not about your exposure to drinking, it’s not about your decisions.’ She was upset–upset with some of her friends doing things they shouldn’t have done, and certainly about the parent and losing respect. We keep an very open dialog and that’s been helpful in raising her, in helping her make some good decisions. She’s got a good understanding of what my take is.”

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue. Please comment below (here’s a link to instructions on how to comment on this or any GMW article), or send us your thoughts in a message.

*GMW has chosen not to identify Witty’s daughter by name, even though he has allowed his name to be used.