No one wants to think about a loved one’s end of life. But longtime Wilton resident Peggy Ottman has written a new book that she hopes will spark important conversations and help people prepare for the unthinkable.

“Everyone’s end of life is different, but I feel like the more we talk about it, the less scary it can [be],” Ottman said.

Losing Mom is Ottman’s deeply personal memoir of the 41 days leading up to her mother’s passing in 2017 — a candid yet compassionate look at the experience of hospice from the perspective of a grieving daughter.

Ottman’s unique perspective reflects her previous experience as a hospice volunteer as well as a former EMT in Wilton. Despite her familiarity with end-of-life situations, even Ottman struggled to navigate through her mother’s journey in hospice — a struggle she lays bare in Losing Mom in the hope of supporting others facing a similar loss.

Emerging from Grief

“I really struggled with the grief,” Ottman said. “It was just really surprising because I thought I’d been prepared for her to die… but I could not get out from under it.”

Feeling profoundly sad and “untethered,” Ottman decided to try writing about her experience as a way to process her feelings. Writing was nothing new for Ottman — she had studied English in college and also wrote a children’s book, The Lonely Loon.

“I thought, well, maybe I can just tell myself the story by writing it out,” Ottman said. “I have always been a writer… I’ve just always used words to sort things out in my head.”

Ottman decided to organize her thoughts by recalling the events day by day and writing in the present tense — a technique she says “put her back in the room.” That approach also stirred childhood memories, revealed family dynamics, and added other layers to the narrative.

What began as her personal recollections and reflections slowly grew into something more. She occasionally shared pieces on social media, and eventually realized she had a bigger story to tell. After a memoir writing workshop and six more years of reflecting and writing, the book was finally complete.

“Writing the final word was really hard,” she admitted. “I resisted it because it felt like losing her all over again.”

Unique Perspective

Ottman served as an EMT with the Wilton Volunteer Ambulance Corps before becoming a hospice volunteer with both Visiting Nurse and Hospice of Fairfield County and Ridgefield Visiting Nurse Association. She noted Wilton residents are fortunate to have such excellent hospice care available in our area.

When a sudden medical event signaled the end was near for her 89-year-old mother, Ottman saw the situation through very different eyes — not as a seasoned hospice volunteer, but as a daughter losing her mom. Even with all her practical experience, Ottman felt overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty.

“I was inexplicably terrified that mom was going into hospice,” Ottman said. “It felt very final. It felt like we’d given up. Even though my logical brain knew it was the best thing, I was saying, ‘no, this can’t be happening’.”

She hopes that by chronicling her experience in her book, other people might view hospice through a broader — and perhaps even uplifting — lens.

“I really wanted to de-mystify the whole hospice experience,” she continued. “It’s just such a gift to give to someone at the end of their life. It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a scary thing.” 

For Ottman, one of the most striking things about hospice is how caregivers balance physical care of the patient with emotional and spiritual support — “meeting people where they are” and without imposing any particular religious beliefs. She wanted Losing Mom to do the same.

“I’m not preaching or trying to say do this, do that,” she added. “It’s just my experience and what helped me.”

“Part of life”

Ottman is advocating for more open discussion about something we all fear.

“The more we talk about death and dying and the reality of it, it might just get a little less scary for people,” she said. “Death is the proverbial elephant in the room that we all tiptoe around. If we could just talk about it more openly, I think we’d all be better off.”

“It’s something that’s part of life,” Ottman continued. “But because no one knows exactly what happens, it is kind of a universal fear.”

Though Losing Mom is grounded in the particular experience of losing a mother, Ottman believes the book also resonates with readers facing the loss of any loved one.

“My biggest hope from this [is] that it just makes people feel less alone,” she said.

Losing Mom will be available at Wilton’s new bookstore, Schmendrick’s Bookshop [24 Cannon Rd., Wilton], as well as Elm Street Books [35 Elm St., New Canaan], Books on The Common [404 Main St., Ridgefield] and on Amazon.