Wilton’s a sports town, and with sports comes sports parents. From tee-ball or peewee flag football sidelines to hyper-intense stands at varsity high school competitions, parents loom large in their children’s athletic success.
But what’s the healthiest parental approach? Wilton’s coaches shared their experienced perspectives to keep in mind.
“Remember, it’s just a game,” Wilton High School head boys basketball coach Joel Geriak said. “We all want to win! We all hate to lose! Whether your kid plays the whole game or is on the bench they all have a[n important] role [that’s] a learning experience for life.”
Every coach GMW spoke with echoed Geriak’s focus on the broader developmental benefits of youth sports, including WHS varsity football coach E.J. DiNunzio, longtime youth lacrosse and football coach J.R. Sherman and several others. We’ve compiled their sage advice.
Wilton Coaches’ Top-10 “Dos and Don’ts” for Sports Parents
- Don’t ask about playing time in isolation — The number one concern cited by all coaches, who stressed it’s not about the minutes. Instead, view playing time in the broader context of overall performance. “If you want to ask a coach what your kid needs to do to be better or what to work on, that’s great,” Geriak said. “If you ask why they aren’t playing over so-and-so, you’ll probably get an annoyed coach and an answer making it clear we will not compare other players to your child.”
- Do raise a multi-sport child — It may be okay for older athletes thinking about college recruiting, but specializing in a single sport every year can take an emotional and physical toll, something Geriak called a big mistake.“Playing multiple sports will help in every other sport and improve footwork, strength and quickness. Using the same muscles over and over is where you see injuries.
DiNunzio agreed athletes should play the sport of the season. “Every college coach will tell you they like it when players play multiple sports. Kids that focus too early only on one sport are missing out on so much.”
An added benefit? Multi-sport athletes become better overall players and people. “They may not be as strong in one sport as they are in another, so they’re forced to learn to be more of a team player when their role isn’t as big as it is in their top sport,” Geriak said. - Don’t hesitate to speak directly with a coach… after your child tries first — The coaches were comfortable with parents coming to them directly, but only after the athlete made age-appropriate efforts to address issues themselves. “While I expect players to be advocating for themselves in high school, if the player is really unclear on why they’re not playing, I would rather the parent come to me to discuss than just let the situation fester and get worse and just complain in the stands to other parents,” DiNunzio said. “I’m going to be straight with them — if Johnny isn’t really trying that hard in practice, or doesn’t pay attention, or despite trying really hard just isn’t that good, parents need to be prepared to hear it.”
- Do define “success” as more than playing time and in-game exploits — Children learn life lessons through sports. “The experiences, challenges and successes of youth sports are what make the journey meaningful and offer learning that can be applied throughout life,” Sherman said. The joy of being a part of a team matters, according to Geriak. “Ironically, most coaches’ favorite players are the ones who work hard and make the team better but don’t get in the games very much. We love the hard-working kids that want to be part of the team and push others in whatever way they can.”
- Don’t coach from the sidelines — It was unanimous: be supportive but telling your child specifically what to do during games is a bad idea. “Coaches may have your kid playing a certain way or have a certain strategy for the game, which parents probably won’t know about,” Geriak said. “All it does is confuse the player and if they don’t do what the coach asks and instead do what the parents ask, they may be taken out of the game for not doing what’s best for the team.”
- Don’t obsess on mistakes, especially during and right after the game — “If they bring it up, fine,” said DiNunzio. “But especially if they missed a few catches or struck out a few times, emotions are high at that time and it’s best to wait a day or two, if at all, to have those conversations.” Focusing on every mistake is often counterproductive, explained Sherman. “The last thing you want to do is unwittingly instill a ‘fear of making a mistake’ in your kid’s mind by bringing up what they did wrong during or after a game or tournament. The best thing we can all do with our young athletes is to focus on their mistakes or failures for a few seconds to learn from them, and then forget it. Focus on your next opportunity to do well!”
- Do respect the coach’s philosophy, even if you disagree — Telling a coach how to coach or challenging them is one of the most unproductive things parents can do. “It only has negative consequences for your children, and teaches them the wrong lessons about conflict resolution, self-advocacy and relationship building,” Sherman said.
- Don’t meet with a coach on game day — Echoed by coaches, sports leagues and athletic directors — wait a day before reaching out. “Coaches have to develop thick skin and be practiced at keeping interactions productive and focused on the player, but it’s never a good idea to approach a coach in person, or over email, text, etc., within 24 hours of a practice or game,” Sherman said.
- Don’t poison the stands — Too much parental “chirping” often has deeper, disruptive effects beyond just negative vibes. “When a parent blames a coach for their kid not playing, they often seek out others in the same boat,” DiNunzio said. “This negative conversation often escalates and can create an uncomfortable rift between parents of kids who are playing versus those who aren’t.”
- Remember the bigger picture — Sherman advised ‘zooming out’. “Imagine a line on a simple graph of your child’s athletic progress. You want to see your child’s progress improve or go up over time. The line hopefully consistently continues to go up and to the right as they grow, learn, put in the work, overcome challenges and self-advocate. If you zoom in too close to that line, it will look erratic, with good days and bad days, ups and downs, but that’s part of the journey and the learning. Reacting to a single practice or a single game or tournament can be both misguided and counterproductive to your child’s development. Zoom out … and support them with advice and positive reinforcement as they push that line up and to the right on their own.”
About the Author – Dan Ginsburg has been a Wilton resident for the last 18 years, has served as a youth coach and is currently president of the Wilton Warrior Gridiron Club. He is the proud father of three Wilton student-athletes (two former and one current) and also admits to failing miserably on at least seven of the “Coaches’ Dos and Don’ts…” listed above